The Wants of Goodbye

In front of me there is green grass that should give me hope, but here it's blurred  as it's on the outside of my cage, the metal fence brown but dusty, with a shorter fence at its back that was once white but now rusty. Its stands straight like i do but erosion did its job well on both of us i see. As they say time would heal but, in my case this statement is just unreal. I give the greenery another glance, the greenery that should mean hope, prosperity i look over and see dozens of balconies like mine, and wish they ain't living the life I'm living...i stare again to where i'm seated and think of the fact that my eyes first laid on the white step just below the fence, which if you stepped on you can with a slight tilt forward fall into the hereafter. The worst feeling of all is when you think the only reason you aint taking the step, the only reason you aint jumping is because you aint one hundred percent sure that you'll end up in heaven. That's when being an atheist becomes something i really wished i was and wished i wasnt; a dilemma i call my life. I end up backing down for only one reason too, and that's that i can't bare the hell that would come, since this hell i'm living is pretty enough. We all know that life is tough but, if you live my life it wont be freeing to just huff and buff. What's really going to be freeing is for your soul to be instantly taken, then you can fly liberally in another dimension with flapping wings as a dove.